About 15 billion years ago a tremendous explosion started the expansion of the universe. This explosion is known as the Big Bang. At the point of this event all of the matter and energy of space was contained at one point. What exisisted prior to this event is completely unknown and is a matter of pure speculation. This occurance was not a conventional explosion but rather an event filling all of space with all of the particles of the embryonic universe rushing away from each other. The Big Bang actually consisted of an explosion of space within itself unlike an explosion of a bomb were fragments are thrown outward. The galaxies were not all clumped together, but rather the Big Bang lay the foundations for the universe.

Before there was earth or sea or heaven, there existed only chaos: shapeless, unorganized, lifeless matter. There was no sun, no moon, and no air. Elements existed, but they had neither form nor character. The earth was without firmness, the water without fluidity, and the sky without light.

There was opposition in all things: hot conflicted with cold, wet with dry, heavy with light, and hard with soft.

Finally a god, a natural higher force, resolved this conflict, separating earth from heaven, parting the dry land from the waters, and dividing the clear air from the clouds, thus organizing all things into a balanced union. In the highest sphere he made a heavenly vault of weightless and untainted ether. The next lower region he filled with air, light but not without substance. Then came the heavy earth, which sank down under its own weight and was encircled by the sea.

And some day, about 6,000 years ago, some <s>experts</s> wackos believe, God said, "Let the earth put forth vegetation, plants yielding seed, and fruit trees bearing fruit in which is their seed, each according to its kind, upon the earth." And it was so. The earth brought forth vegetation, plants yielding seed according to their own kinds, and trees bearing fruit in which is their seed, each according to its kind. And God saw that it was good. Then God said, "Let us make man in our image, after our likeness; and let them have dominion over the fish of the sea, and over the birds of the air, and over the cattle, and over all the earth, and over every creeping thing that creeps upon the earth." So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. Something about an apple, and Adam getting in one little fight and then God got scared and said "You're movin' with your auntie and uncle in Bel-Air".

At some point, the Flintstones came around, then some other people were born.

1756, Salzburg, January 27: Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart is born
1761: At the age of five Amadeus begins composing
1773: He writes his first piano concerto
1782: Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart marries Constance Weber
1784: Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart becomes a free mason
1791: Mozart composes "The Magic Flute"
On December 5th of that same year, Mozart dies.
1984: Austrian rock singer Falco records ROCK ME AMADEUS

Four years later, on the fourteenth day of the fifth month, one thousand, nine hundred and eight-eight years after the birth of Jésus Ronaldo Christ, at 1:08 AM, a man kicked his shoes off after a long day at work. At that same time, his wife told him her water broke. Four hours and twenty minutes later, a child was born, and the world began.

That child, friends, was the one, the only, the Exaulted Grand Funk Messiah of All Mother F---king Get-Out, your friend and mine, Robert "Rawb" "Lazlo Falconi" "Herbie" "UP on CPU" Herb I, esquier.

Today marks the twentieth anniversary of that day, so I ask that you all face Sarasota, Florida, kneel down, and offer a moment of silence for the fact that your life was saved from the horror of unspeakable horrors that is a life without moi.

I guarrentee it.